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Post by jasonmar on Aug 3, 2007 21:01:58 GMT -5
You are the black mirror. Whose reflection Is the embodyment Of the worlds flaws.
Self centered arrogance No flaws about you Or so you think
Screw the poor, abuse your wife Neglect you children Thats your way
Tell only lies Vision clouded by denial Find no peace in night or day Lost with in your misery
So narcisistic you cant put it away Filling the void with pointless pleasure Your morality flawed You dont practice what you preach
Decieve your children with tainted words. Walk this earth as if your already dead.
No peace will come to you. You cant find peace Not because of your own hardships But because of your inability To see your own flaws.
I am flawed You have made me this way I can not change the scars I bear Your lack of interest in our life. Your hatefull words towards our mother. All of your brocken promises. You arent my dad. just my father. You were never there for me.
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Post by jasonmar on Aug 3, 2007 21:02:19 GMT -5
Have you ever felt such hate and disgust So strong that you have nearly vomited?
Have you ever listened to someone seriously say they wanted to take there life. Its chills your blood As if every drop has been frozen . You cant move Cant breath Its like someone is sucking there air out of you. So slowly you don’t realize it.
Your mind cant keep up. Its as if a billion words have been flashed in front of you. Then the blood thaws Rushes faster than an over flowing river You feel dizzy, lightheaded As nervous energy courses through you.
You may twitch Avert your eyes Try to latch onto anything Something that will tear you away from reality. Attempt to reason with your self Find a way to project you feelings to something else Or plain deny what was said
You cant calm down There is no way to calm down when you have heard such a thing. You will feel dead inside. As if with those words they killed your soul.
If they mean anything at all to you. You’ll recover. Try to reason with them Instill some sense of guilt. Buy them some time With your precious sanity. Listen to there ramblings. How they have no hope There words seem to seep with in you Embed themselves Corrupting your mind
If you care for them You will not handle this alone You will do everything in your power To see to it that they receive professional help
For such things cant be dealt with by people like us. Those who are no stranger to pain Those who have triumphed over all things in there way Can not understand the weight upon them. They can not, even with the strongest words Help save them. There is a limit to what we can do. We are not gods. We do not have that kind of wisdom or knowledge
Also Think of yourself Can you really bear such a weight Being so attached to them Can you objectively help them. Can you cut them further with your tongue Make there soul bleed just a bit So you may show them the scars below the surface which never healed. Will you know what’s best when that time comes. I know I didn’t know what to do.
I know I struggled, overwhelmed with guilt For playing a large part in the event which triggered it. I was the one who made her leave him. I encouraged her, to leave him. He was abusive She deserved better.
Even now though, knowing what I know. I would not have made any other choice. I’m not saying, that her life is worth more than his. Its just that He made the mistakes So he suffered for his sins.
At least now, I am free from the guilt. Seeing clearly That I stuck true to who I was. Stuck true to everything I have ever known.
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Post by jasonmar on Aug 3, 2007 21:02:54 GMT -5
They say, that when you find some one you love. You should hold them tight, don’t let them walk away. Yet what of the one sided love. I love her, with all my heart. It’s a bitter sweet love. My heart aches knowing I wont have her in my arms.
It makes me wonder If we love someone, we should let them go. Let them do what makes them happy. To hold them, to not let them go. Isn’t right.
Yet, I can understand why they say you shouldn’t let them go. I don’t want to let her go. I don’t want to turn away and watch her drift off. I want to hold her in my arms. She’s like ecstasy to me. It feels right to love her. Even in the pain, the pain of knowing I wont have her. It still feels right.
It isn’t right to pursue her Says part of me. Yet my heart yearns for her even more. When I close my eyes you cloud my vision. In times of trouble my soul attempting to find peace Often dwells on you.
On all our memories Of the times, where we talked of deep things. d**n it, your everything I need to feel complete. In my last relationship. What I hated, hated above all else. Was that it wasn’t a deep connection. That all we talked about was the shallow surface.
With you, even as just a friend, I can feel that we are strongly linked. I know I mean something to you. You didn’t turn away Nor did I. I remember a time, that I would turn away when I felt worthless.
I so often did in those days feel worthless. You didn’t make me feel worthless You made sure to stress how much my friendship meant.
I never told you this. But Steve one day, when things were at there boiling point. Was talking to me about you. Calling you a pregnant dog, saying things that just weren’t true. I defended your name. I couldn’t sit there, listening to that.
He hated me for the words I used. Hated me for how I was what he couldn’t be. I think he still hates me for how I was able to be your shields. How I was able to over come myself in order to help you.
There were opportunities a plenty Where I could have used the pain you were enduring To make you mine. Humans, are surprisingly easy to manipulate. Your no different, neither am I.
In fact people like us. Are all the more susceptible. People with chips on there shoulders. People who are not unknown to pain. I chose not to.
If I were truly self serving as he claimed. Wouldn’t I have manipulated you? Taken from you what I could. Twisted you from perfection Into some sick imitation.
It was hard To put my feelings on the back burner. To shove it all out of mind. So that I could guide you with a clear mind. One which reflected no dreams save your own.
Its just hard to bear. These moments Where all I want to do is take our hand. Squeeze it tight. So that you may feel, The blood rushing through me. How it picks up in speed and intensity when your around. I'll make you understand some day.
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Post by jasonmar on Aug 3, 2007 21:04:04 GMT -5
When I first saw you I knew I liked you In that room so full of plastic perfection You shown brighter, a natural beauty I knew from the cold staire I recieved upon first saying hello That this would not be easy I knew by your first words to me, steeped in Ice That things would be rough I suppose, even then, I knew you were worth the effort Something in me, forced me not to turn away How many times did I say hello. A smile gracing my face Before you cared that I existed
Time passed, our bond grew Things changed
You became full of anger, your heart being torn apart Afraid to loose the only one you had let close to you The only one you believed truely understood you Little did you know, my keen eyes were watching you. Every actions you made, from a simple pen stroke to the way that you walk, I analysised it I tried to find the meaning, the reason in your ever move, every fluctuation in your face, shift of your eyes began to tell a Story.
I couldnt stand to see you that way. We exchanged deep words on such topics as life and philosophy. My heart began to beat faster then when you were around A silent symphany that you wouldnt hear.
My words changed you didnt they? You'll probably never know how much it ment to me, to hear Crystal tell me how you had managed to help her. How your words had mimiced mine.
My feelings for you grew even deeper, I wondered, if this was what love was. Yet I was in limbo with in myself. Trying to overcome that part of me which screamed not to do anything. Yet, you were worth it. You were worth it several times over. There we were at Deny's you, me, and our friends. We split a straberry drink. Then I coughed up the words which had been building in my heart. I asked you, if you would consider dating me. I told you that I liked you. Yet when looking back I see one major mistake. I never really conveyed to you the strength of my emotions. How far I am willing to go for you. When I say I would do anything in my human power to help you. Its not hyperboyle. Its the honest truth.
You turned me down, I wondered why. Had I not done everything I could. Had I not been the first guy to honestly try to get to know her. No not just know her, undersand her. When her heart was being torn apart, it was my hand resting on her shoulder. When she was boered. It was I who made her laugh. Yet even with everything I had done, it just wasnt enough I guess.
I remember though, that Crystal made me promise, that I would take care of you. Treat you right. I remeber thinking, Crystal, there is no way I would do anything to hurt her. There is no way I would even consider not treating her right. I still intend to honor that promise I made.
I still have my heart set on you. For there hasnt, in the half year thats followed, been a single person in my life that has evoked such a strong emotional response in me. You were the only person, who I have asked out face to face. When you said no you cut me, yet I understood one thing. You were also afraid of loosing me. It was in your voice as you spoke, your words far softer then normal. You didnt want to hurt me bad. You didnt either.
I dont know if this is right, but I will still love you. I will still want to be with you. I will still try to be with you. I guess this is what it boils down to. I will do everything I can, to make myself worthy of your attention. Worthy of your love. Thats all I can do. Just be myself and try to become what you want. Or make you see, how much I really care.
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